The Banding of Daria
by EntrancedCat
Summary: Daria and Jane take advantage of an opportunity to use Ms. Li's fundraising scheme to do some fund-raising for themselves. Do the other students at Lawndale High appreciate it?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: The Banding**

"Students, we have an exciting fund-raising activity coming up," Ms. Li said from behind the imposing podium at the hastily-called assembly.

Most students were more interested in getting out the door at the end of the school day than any plans Ms. Li had to collect more revenue to disappear into her unknown slush funds. Some, however, paid more attention as she expounded.

"On Friday afternoon we are going to crown Mr. Irresistible; Ms. Hard-to-get, and-chortle snicker-Ms. Easy Street."

She held up and shook a brace of bright red rubber wrist bands. The bands flopped as she waved them in excitement or her attempt to elicit excitement from the students.

"As you leave the auditorium today each female student will be coerced...or, strongly encouraged to take ten bands, at a modest donation of fifty-cents each."

Ms. Li paused in apparent surprise as the distaff half of her audience began a soft undercurrent of protest.

She held up her hands and continued. "Don't worry, girls. If you lack the necessary funds today, you have until Thursday to make your donations and receive your wristbands. Then on Friday the fun begins, people. Girls, wear all ten bands on Friday. Boys, you lucky, lucky boys, be ready for a special challenge."

She paused and pursed her lips attempting to create an excitement and suspense that only she was feeling. Students were glancing at each other in dread, especially the girls.

"Girls, your task on Friday is to not talk to any male student for the entire day. Boys, you are allowed to use any," snort, chuckle "legal, non-physical means necessary to get a girl to talk to you. Each time a girl talks to you she must surrender one of her precious bands."

Boys were beginning to buzz and chatter with each other, rising to the challenge. Reactions among the girls were decidedly mixed: many were sitting in shocked silence; more were murmuring in protest, a few were relishing the challenge themselves.

Ms. Li took the susurration of student reaction as approval and went on. "At the end of Friday, the boy who has garnered the most bands will be crowned Mr. Irresistible. For the honor he will donate fifty cents per band. All other boys will donate fifty cents per band as well. Girls who retain all their bands will be deemed Ms. Hard-to-get."

Her voice went lower. "Any girl who loses all ten bands will be deemed Ms. Easy Street. But remember, it's all for a good cause." chortle chortle. "Now pick up your bands as you go out the door, girls, and have a wonderful Monday evening."

 **DM DM DM DM DM**

Despite Li's exhortation, Daria and Jane walked home in less than wonderful moods.

"Li came up with possibly the most offensive, degrading thing I ever heard," Jane declared. "Not only does it enforce stereotypes of female chatterlyness but it's only boys against girls. Totally ignoring Lawndale's LGB...uh...N-E-S-T-L-E-S students. What a blatant promotion of heteronormality."

Daria cocked an eyebrow at Jane's outrage and possibly her choice of words. She nodded in agreement and waved a single red wrist band.

"You actually bought one?"

Daria nodded in resignation. "Yeah, Jane, you know eventually we'll have to shell out the five clams each."

Jane sighed and nodded in turn. Both girls hated Li's money-raising schemes but they rarely found a way out. Jane and Daria uneasily found it more expedient to compromise and get on with other interests rather than resisting shelling out minor ducats. For Jane, the ducats on occasion were not so minor and Daria would dip into her Montana cabin fund to help her penurious friend with a loan.

"And this will go into my Scrapbook of the Absurd," Daria said. "Next to the pictures of Quinn's kindergarten graduation."

Daria paused on the sidewalk and meditatively stretched the red band this way and that.

"Hrmm...bright red," she mused. "Obviously symbolizes a boy taking a girl's virgin…"

She was cut off by Jane sticking fingers in her ears and humming loudly. Jane removed her fingers when she saw Daria fall silent.

"More likely the cheapest bands Li could find or finagle out some chump donor," Jane speculated.

Daria nodded in agreement as they continued to Jane's house. They paused at the front door.

"The whole thing's actually spurred up my creative juices," Jane announced. "Canvas, here I come. I hope I have enough red and umber."

"And I feel Melody Power is now in need of a particularly violent Commie bloodletting. Later, Lane."

"Into the breach again tomorrow, Morgendorffer."

Daria gave a half-wave and walked home.

 **DM DM DM DM DM**

As foolish as she thought Friday's activities would be, Daria was not as upset as Jane. It gave her a compelling excuse not to talk to half the student body and she thought that if she acted more than usually intimidating for the next three days the boys would stay away from her anyway. She was also a bit interested in observing what could possibly go wrong with Li's plans as something surely would.

As Daria approached home she heard noises and muted cursing from the garage. Her father, Jake was puttering about a portable workbench.

"Dad, remember the little talk the county sheriff had with you the last time you tried to make a squirrel eliminator?"

"Oh hey, kiddo. Nothing dangerous this time. I'm making a live trap, trying to make something useful from this pile of wristbands my deadbeat client left me instead of my moolah."

Jake gestured at a wooden and wire contraption strung and stretched with red bands of a type instantly recognizable to Daria. Broken bands littered the garage floor.

"Wow, that's a lot of wristbands," she said inanely, the wheels and gears turning in her head.

"Yeah! And what am I going to do with three gross more?" Jake waved at three plastic bags bulging with red bands.

"Three gross?" Daria asked as the gears and wheels got lubed and began to turn faster. A few red band belt drives were added to the machinery.

"Hey, Daria. Do you know? Can squirrels see red? Would it scare them away?"

She pulled up her extant knowledge of squirrel optics. "I think they can distinguish red and green from other colors, but not the difference between the two. Red shouldn't scare them, Dad. It doesn't mean DANGER in the squirrel world."

"That's my girl. Always got a good answer for her old dad."

Daria jumped as a band stretched tight on the trap broke with a twang, flew past her nose and hit Jake on the cheek. She quickly regained her composure.

"My pleasure, Dad. Say, Jane might want those for an art project. You know her, always looking for unique materials. Could we buy those three gross for, say, ten cents each?"

"Buy? For good old Jane? No way. Here just take 'em all. Just remember to have her give old Jakey credit when credit is due."

Daria took the bags with a small smile. When she got to her room she verified that Jake's bands matched exactly the plain red band Li had extorted out of her that afternoon. She checked that Quinn was not in her room before making a call on the cordless phone system which her parents had just purchased.

"Hi Jane, you know you may not have to buy those red bands after all. In fact, how about you come over later and we discuss a possible business opportunity?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Trap Springs

"Daria, Let me practice my sales pitch." Jane said preventing Daria from following her instinct to veer away from her friend, dressed as Jane was in a long tan duster and heavy sunglasses. But as Jane had accosted her and making money with Jane's help was the big goal of the day Daria stopped by her locker.

"Jane, you look like a pervert. That should scare away customers. On the other hand Upchuck might pay handsomely for lessons."

Jane was undeterred. She slouched against Daria's locker and directed her sunglasses at Daria. Daria could almost feel the eyes behind the heavily shaded lenses shift left, right, then lock on her.

"Pssst, hey, kid. Wanna buy some bands?" She opened her coat to reveal red bands hanging on buttons sewn into the lining. Then Jane collapsed against Daria's locker in giggles.

"Okay, I had to get that out of my system. I really have most bands in my backpack which shan't leave my side until the last band is sold."

Daria and Jane turned to see Tiffany followed by a trio of boys. They did a quick count and surmised that Tiffany was already down a couple bands at least.

"Hey Tiffany, those bands don't make you look fat at all."

"Really?" Tiffany stopped and slowly drawled while holding up the arm which sported the red bands. "You think these are slenderizzzzzzzing?"

"You owe him a band." A boy other than the first speaker spoke up.

"Ohhhh, yeaahh."

"Now you owe him a band too." A third boy took advantage.

"Really?" Tiffany blinked then and handed over three bands. She blankly regarded the five bands left on her arm and shrugged. The boys apparently were overcome with some modicum of guilt and slinked away, with their bands proudly displayed on their wrists. Daria and Jane watched Tiffany walk down the hallway.

"I think I have my first customer." Jane announced.

"Yeah, but it's almost too easy. I would feel bad taking advantage of such an easy mark."

"Pidgeon." Jane added.

"Patsy."

"Pushover."

"Sap."

"So go shear her like the little lamb she is." Daria commanded.

Jane grinned, saluted and hustled a bit to catch up with Tiffany even as more boys were converging on her.

Daria turned as she heard another member of the Fashion Club speak up.

"Is it bring-a-twerp-to-school-day or something?" Sandi Griffin asked. She was accosting two little kids whom Daria remembered from somewhere as Sandi's brothers. They were dancing around Sandi while high school boys stood in the background in anticipation.

"So why are you little twerps allowed in high school anyway?" Sandi ignored the older boys and addressed her brothers.

"Sandi," Skylar Feldman broke in with a smirk. "I think you owe our little junior football buddies a wristband each now."

"The rules of Ms. Li's disgusting little game which I am only playing under protest specifically state that only high school age persons and enrollees of Lawndale High are eligible for play." Sandi told him with an air of imperiousness.

Skylar's smirk only grew into a wide grin. "Now you owe me a wristband." Daria saw that he was already sporting a couple on each wrist.

If Sandi was disappointed she did not show it as she wordlessly slipped a band off her wrist and threw it to a triumphant Skylar. Then she turned on her heels and strode away from the jeers of her little brothers.

 _"That one will be a tougher nut to crack for the next guy,"_ Daria concluded to herself. _"I'll check back with Sandi near end of the day."_

She rounded a corner and came upon a tiny knot of three boys surrounding a faux-blushing Quinn.

"Here Quinn, take these bands." Jeffy pushed a few red bands on her.

"Quinn, you don't have to say anything. Just your smile makes the whole day worthwhile." Joey told her as he too presented her with a band or two.

The one Daria remembered as Jaimie even if Quinn could not was not to be outdone. "Quinn, I am going to get at least ten girls to talk to me today and every band is going to your beautiful wrists."

"Thank you boys, you don't have to inconvenience some other poor girls just for little old me." Quinn said. Then in faux chagrin, "Oh no, I guess this means I need to give you each a band."

"No, no." They all protested at once. One offered, "Quinn, let me run to the dollar store and buy you a bag of bands in any color you want." The other two offered to find the band factory and buy out their warehouse. Daria had to get away from the scene before the cuteness overcame her.

 _"Dollar store? Bag of bands? This could upset the supply and demand which our little enterprise depends on. Still, if all those bands go to Quinn, she'll surely hoard them like a dragon on gold."_

Daria moved through the halls, mentally noting which girls were losing bands the quickest. She judged the beginnings of lunch periods around eleven to be the best times to approach them, then a couple more sweeps in the afternoon.

She stopped to watch a scene which threatened to derail her enterprise. Stacy Rowe was sobbing quietly while surrounded by a throng of boys. The boys were contending about whether crying counted as talking for band relinquishment purposes. Stacy sobbed harder, stripped the bands from her wrists, dropped them on the floor and fled.

 _"Hmm, maybe in the cause of sisterly solidarity Jane and I should just give the bands away to these poor girls? Nah, that Montana cabin fund isn't growing on its own. Well, not much at today's low interest rates."_

Mack and Jodie drew her out her reverie. They walked wordlessly arm in arm while gazing into each other's eyes. Daria noted that they wore five bands each.

 _"Okay, strike one girl from the prospective customer roll."_

Then a pleading tone brought her out of that reverie.

"But, babe, Jodie just gave Mack Daddy half her bands. Then they both promised, in writing even, to just be really quiet the rest of the day. You don't have to talk, just give me a band, just one, please."

Brittany stalked by with her nose held high and followed by an imploring Kevin Thompson.

 _"Hmmm, you know, I just bet she could hold out on talking for the whole day too. Oh, well lots of chumps in the school still."_

The last scene on her slow walk to her first class made Daria realize there was a market which she and Jane had not considered. Upchuck was sighing heavily and looking lost all by himself. No red bands graced his arms. Daria strode up to him.

"Hey, kid. Wanna buy some bands?"

He instantly brightened. "Well, this is unexpected but perhaps not. The loveliest maiden in Lawndale is succumbing to my appeal and none too soon. Fair Daria, I would be presumptuous to demand a band from you in this vainglorious contest, but perhaps an evening repast with me at the Pizza King followed by a movie in Chez Ruttheimer would not be too much to ask."

"Can it, Upchuck," Daria demanded. "I'm not playing Li's games. I don't need to worry about bands but maybe you do. You don't want to be the only guy in school without a band at the end of the day, do you?" She opened her backpack to reveal red bands at the ready. "For you, seventy-five cents apiece. Take it or leave it."

Upchuck sighed again and fished three fives from his pocket. "I'll take twenty."

The rest of the day sped by with Jane and Daria rotating between the havens of the girls' restrooms and locker-room, the only secure places where girls could relax that day. A few girls grumbled but paid the fifty cents each the entrepreneurs took for the bands. Boys were happy to pay up to a dollar each to be seen as irresistible chick-magnets. Soon the school was awash with red on wrists. Girls bought bands and bestowed them on their favorites. The sudden overabundance of bands seemed to stoke the contest as boys ran after girls with a frenzy.

 _"Ms. Bennett should see this: over-supply increases demand. I would marvel at the diagrams that would inspire."_

 **Chapter Three: Daria Unbanded**

Daria did such a brisk business that she was stripping bands from her own wrist and replenishing from her backpack before she left the bathrooms. In the afternoon just before the last period, she sighed the sigh of a worker at the end of the day of a hard, fruitful day just before the special assembly to crown the winners and losers. The sigh turned into a gasp of desperation.

 _"Oh my god, why didn't I count? No more bands? Eap. Why didn't I keep ten in reserve?"_

She turned her backpack inside out in a frantic search but found only a few sorry shreds of red tissue. She was considering the best ways to vacate the school when Jane came in, also sans bands. Unlike Daria, Jane appeared nonchalant and calm.

"Jane, you sold all your bands too? My god, woman, we'll be both Miss Easy-Street."

"Relax, Morgendorffer. Former girl scout Jane Lane was prepared; I kept twenty plus bands back in reserve."

Jane whistled as she opened her backpack and dug to the bottom. The whistle turned into a tuneless growl as she began to fossick wildly. Jane turned the backpack over scattering paint brushes, sketch pads and pencils, books, coins, bills and sundries on the floor.

"Lane?" Daria asked desperately even as she scooped money off the floor.

"Where'd it go? I had twenty-five just-in-case bands in a plastic sandwich bag buried at the bottom."

"Sandwich bag? Are you sure Trent didn't eat them?"

Jane and Daria looked at each other hopelessly, both aware this was not the time for joking.

"We have to get out of school." Daria needlessly announced.

They waited until the hubbub died somewhat in the hall then carefully opened the bathroom door. They slinked out to a seemingly empty hallway and calculated the best route to an open, non-alarmed exit door.

"Jane, Daria?" The soft but firm voice of Mr. O'Neill brought them up short. "Did you lose all your bands? Oh dear, I hope the boys were not bullying you and crushing your egos in this needless contest."

Jane and Daria turned to confront O'Neill's kind, concerned face.

Jane ventured. "Ah, yeah, Mr. O'Neill they were really cruel. I'm not sure Daria and I can face a whole auditorium of our peers right now." She added a few sniffles and choked back sobs.

"Oh my, Jane. Well, you know I was just reading in this fantastic book about the value of facing adversity. I think you should march into the auditorium with heads held high and show the world you can overcome any embarrassment. And it would be a great idea for you both to take my teen self-esteem course again. We're starting a new section—with all new videos!—next week."

Jane and Daria looked at each with mouths gaping and closing like fish in need of oxygen. Each shrugged and figured they were whipped. The condemned were escorted into the auditorium by Mr. O'Neill who spouted encouragements along the way.

"Ms. Lane, Ms. Morgendorffer," they were greeted by a jubilant Ms. Li at the door. "It appears that you two are—snort chuckle—the Ms. Easy Streets of the school."

She gave them both a broad wink. It occurred to Daria then that an artifact of their little enterprise was more money for Ms. Li's dubious charity project as they had increased the number of bands which boys possessed and had to pay for. If Ms. Li knew anything about the business she only let on with another wink.

O'Neill and Li ushered them to the front row where they slouched down beside a smiling, winking Upchuck, his arms festooned with red bands. Girls had been buying from Daria and Jane to resell to Upchuck at a markup. Half the audience was silent; the distaff side not yet having received confirmation that the contest was over. Ms. Li took the stage, held up her hands and blew into the microphone for attention.

"People, I officially declare our first annual no-talking contest over. Girls, you may now talk freely without fear of losing your precious bands to the lucky, lucky boys."

At least half the audience breathed a huge sigh of relief. Daria thought she could feel dozens of pairs of eyes suddenly on her and Jane. She slumped lower as she heard remarks not necessarily addressed at the boys.

"Serves them right."

"Yeah, I can't believe I wasted five bucks on those lousy bands to give to the football players."

And some complaints from deeper, masculine voices.

"Jane talked to me but she wouldn't give me a band unless I paid."

"Yeah, but we were all patsies for buying into this stupid contest. I spent ten bucks on bands but then that creep Upchuck wins anyway."

Jane brightened momentarily when she heard, "But you gotta admit Lane's got great legs."

Ms. Li let the comments carry on for a half-minute then snorted into the microphone again for attention.

"Students, before we dismiss for the day, let us crown our royalty. First, Mr. Irresistible, it comes as no surprise to announce is Charles Ruttheimer III. Charles, please step up and give us a speech."

"Boo, he bought the election." One of Quinn's admirers piped up.

"Jamie, It wasn't an election, dumb-ass."

"Yeah, but he still bought it."

Upchuck's grin became even wider as he took up position behind the podium as though he took the other boys' complaints as compliments.

"I am truly honored to be Mr. Irresistible, fellow students. It is an prize won fairly from our sweet, lovely Lawndale ladies. But do not feel bad, Lawndale lovelies, you only gave into the magnitude of the Ruttheimer charm. So, to celebrate my victory and console the fairer sex I am inviting you all to a soiree at Chez Ruttheimer tomorrow evening. We're changing the hot tub's water in the morning so be prepared for a night of hot clean fun."

"No way, Upchuck, you perv." several girls cried. "We wouldn't go to your creepy party if you paid us to. Again."

"Grrr….feisty."

The response from the boys was semi-articulate growling. For his safety, Mr. DeMartino and other male teachers accompanied Upchuck out of the auditorium. Mr. O'Neill then took the stage.

"Fellow students, it's now time to, however regrettably, acknowledge those students who are deemed the losers of today's contest. But are they really the losers? I would put to you, no. They only gave into the normal human need to communicate, to reach out to others, to say, 'Yes, here I am. I'm someone. I have something to say.' " He would have gone on but he noticed Ms. Li tapping her watch.

"And so without further ado, I want to welcome to our stage our first Ms. Easy-Street, Jane Lane."

No one applauded as Jane turned to Daria and shrugged as she arose. "Ah, what the hell." She held her head up as she marched to the podium.

"Hello, I'm Jane Lane and I'm a compulsive over-talker. So, I have decided to undertake a vow of silence from now until the end of the school year." Jane then stood in silence until the crowd begin to rustle in unrest and Mr. O'Neill gently urged her off the stage.

"Thank you Jane, I think we can all say that in today's frantic world we can all use a bit more quiet and solitude. Good luck on your vow. Now, for a bit of a surprise, our second and last Ms. Easy-Street, Daria Morgendorffer."

Daria attempted to emulate Jane's proud ascension to the podium. She faced the audience and began.

"At times like these I am reminded of a story which Lincoln told of a man who was tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail. When asked how he liked it he replied, 'If it weren't for the honor of the thing I would just as soon walk.' "

Silence greeted her acceptance speech until a befuddled but enthusiastic voice spoke up. "Lincoln had a toy railroad? Cool!"

"Uhm, that is all." Daria finished and stepped down.

 **Chapter Four: Easy Come, Easy Go**

"Jane, that was humiliating." Daria told her best buddy just fifteen minutes later as they walked home.

"Yeah, Daria." said Jane whose vow of silence apparently lasted twenty minutes. "But the sweet sound of cold hard coins muffled by folding money makes me walk tall and proud."

Both girls sent their backpacks jingling with a few good shakes. Her spirits buoyed, Daria gave her partner in crime a wry smile.

"Pizza?" Daria offered. "I'm buying. I got you into this."

"Ah, that will further soothe my wounded spirit. Still, I wonder what happened to the reserve bands." Jane went on. "I swear I had more than twenty ready for just such a possibility."

Daria shook her head, unwilling to speculate and just wanting to forget the day. A car coughed to a stop besides them followed by a few soft, throaty coughs.

"Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria. You guys want a ride?" Trent Lane leaned over the front bench seat to greet them.

"Hey…" Daria was suddenly dry-mouthed but attempted speech. "Trent."

Jane was in no mood for kidding her buddy about any bashfulness around Trent. She opened the passenger good and got in, pulling Daria after her. The three fit together cozily on the front seat as Trent restarted the car. The engine coughed and promptly stopped as Daria heard a muffled but familiar sounding twang.

"Dang, okay, no worries," Trent said as he pulled a plastic bag from under the seat. "Give me five minutes and we'll get going."

"Trent," Jane screeched as she and Daria stared at the contents of the bag. "My red bands! What? Why do you have 'em?"

"Oh yeah, Janey," Trent drawled. "The carb went out last night and these are a great temporary fix until I can scrape together the two-hundred I need for a permanent repair. They're for your art, right? I'll go down to Dollar-a-Bucket discount and buy you a couple gross for a buck or two. You need any particular color?"

"Trent!" Jane said in a strangled voice. She made a few more incoherent squeaks and then simply rested her head on the dash.

"Whoa, what's wrong with you?" Trent got out and raised the hood. Trent's fossicking and monkeying was almost drowned out by Jane softly banging her head on the steering wheel.

A few minutes later Trent brought the car to its full throaty life. "I'd better hustle to the store and get more bands. I got a big audition in Brentwood day after tomorrow and one of those bands is only good for about ten miles."

Daria's mouth opened and spoke up for her. "Brentwood. Uh, you need money to fix the car? Here, about one hundred." She shook her backpack, the heavy jingles indicating the presence of money. Jane goggled at her then sighed and shook her backpack too.

"You got a hundred to lend me, Daria? You really are the coolest girl in high school. I'm doing a jingle for that new discount meat store next week. I'll pay you back then. Janey, just put it on my tab."

"Yeah, Trent, sure, your tab." Jane made a mental note to add another chit to her brother's growing stack.

Daria smiled a tiny smile, pleased with how the day had turned out.

THE END


End file.
